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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS