And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.