If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
A dad and his duck
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.