I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.