George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
You Might Also Like
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.