NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song