Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Nahdude83's best tweets

@Nahdude83 : *puts sunglasses on a watermelon* *punches watermelon* "WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!" *slams hands down* "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!"

@Nahdude83: "Sir, how may I help you?"

*swivels around in chair*
-- A coffee please!

"Did you bring that chair in here?"

*reclines back*
--- Maybe?

@Nahdude83: [10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen!
T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!

@Nahdude83: Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*

@Nahdude83: *DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy's ear*
[crowd "awws"]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd "oohs"]
*wins $1*

@Nahdude83: Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.

@Nahdude83: I like making babies... Unsuccessfully, of course.

@Nahdude83: A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@Nahdude83: A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.

@Nahdude83: I was making breakfast, then "She's a maniac" came on the radio... Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?