If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.