Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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ok this is my dumbest yet
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit