My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.