Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.