“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me adding lol on a serious message
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.