Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
You Might Also Like
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain