Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
thanksgiving should be called feaster
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.