What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
You Might Also Like
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
He-man has a Masters degree
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Barbie gone wild
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.