Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are