back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence