Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!