Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG