Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit