[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
having children is a pyramid scheme.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow