Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You Might Also Like
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
How long do you have to wait between naps?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.