Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.