The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Yup.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend