[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Lmaoo 😂
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.