[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
🖤✌🏽
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup