her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.