Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon