Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NicCageMatch's best tweets

@NicCageMatch : Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don't let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@NicCageMatch: No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

@NicCageMatch: My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

@NicCageMatch: The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it's already dead.

@NicCageMatch: I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

@NicCageMatch: Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@NicCageMatch: Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@NicCageMatch: Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible.

@NicCageMatch: Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the turtles" and whatever it is, I'm in.