According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Feels like there should be a middle ground
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad