sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT