Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Google Maps says it鈥檚 a 29 minute walk, but where鈥檚 the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE鈥橰E A CRACK FAMILY!!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don鈥檛 even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
This is a fact based meme 馃槒馃槀
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
ME: I鈥檒l take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I鈥檓 staying in an airbnb
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.