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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.