A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
More like Kate Missington.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.