Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?