Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You Might Also Like
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different