People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
multitasking lunch
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]