Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….