[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re