My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool