me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.