Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.