i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”