Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..