Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out