That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?