Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie