“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I mean…but I did
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.