Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NoTheOtherJohn's best tweets

@NoTheOtherJohn : DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

@NoTheOtherJohn: The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@NoTheOtherJohn: [gives date the "just one sec" sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@NoTheOtherJohn: [Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@NoTheOtherJohn: PILOT: This isn't funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who'd like to hear a passage from the captain's dream journal?

@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

@NoTheOtherJohn: ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That's a hand print

@NoTheOtherJohn: *doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don't stand for national anthem*

@NoTheOtherJohn: "NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK"
k
"NOT "K" THIS IS IMPORTANT"
Sorry
"THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT"
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
"NO NOT FISH

@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What's wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]