I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
You Might Also Like
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
me adding lol on a serious message
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.