[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
When I snag the last meatball.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.