You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
You Might Also Like
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old